Neither you nor your partner have to be drop dead gorgeous or sexual dynamos to get the spark back. Often all you need is two willing people and a determination to find each other again. Step out of your comfort zone and take some steps to get the spark back.
1. Stop telling yourself you don't have that spark. Our thoughts are extremely powerful and once we tell ourselves it's gone, that becomes the only thought we notice.
2. Act more sexual and be more flirtatious Dress sexy (put on perfume/cologne, dress up, wear something you feel good in or that you know your partner likes) and act playful.
3. Do random acts of kindness without any expectation that they will return the favor or that you'll get something in return.
4. Be more affectionate deliberately. Hold hands, touch more, look your partner in the eyes when you kiss them, touch the small of their back when you walk by etc.
5. Change your lens and focus on those moments you do like your partner or like what they're doing. Take these moments in. Seldom do people constantly dislike their partners. Notice when you feel any level of attraction and take note of that. If you can't think of any now, think back to when you first fell in love.
6. Act as if: act as if you are in a great relationship with someone you adore. What would you be doing differently? Our actions greatly influence the actions of those around us; play with this idea and see what you notice. See what happens as you become more loving and cherishing.
7. Just do it. Our libidos are just like our brains-if we don't use it we lose it. Stop saying you're too tired, not in the mood etc., and just do it. Clear your mind of the clutter and the negative talk and just be present.
8. Say it straight. Tell your partner what you like and don't like instead of assuming they should know. Ask your partner what they like and don't just assume you're wonderful.
9. Talk to each other. Share your day, your fears, your upsets and your crazy thoughts or dreams. Intimacy means into me you see; give your partner a glimpse of who you are and what's going on in your world. Know that when your partner shares with you it is a window into their soul which is a gift; treat it as such.
10. Be the change agent rather than waiting for your partner to change. Too many people say they'll change when their partner changes and it's killing couples. Stop waiting for something to happen and make it happen.
Challenge: Choose 1-2 suggestions from the list above and incorporate them into your relationship for a minimum of two weeks. Pay attention to any changes you see from your partner.
Lisa Merlo-Booth is a relationship coach with over 15 years of experience in the field of therapy and coaching. She has worked with individuals, families and couples on a variety of life issues. http://www.relationalcoaching.com.
She earned her Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology from Pepperdine University in 1991 and has received her coaching training from Coach University. Lisa is the Director of Training for the Relational Life Institute owned by the renowned author, Terrence Real.
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