Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Ten Tips to Tell If Your Boyfriend Isn't Marriage Material.


Hello friend, have you been wondering if your boyfriend isn't the one to marry? Do you have doubts sometimes? We can tell when our friends have a boyfriend that isn't really marriage material, but sometimes we are blinded by love. Here are
five signs to tell if your boyfriend isn't marriage material.

1. Does your boyfriend go from job to job? This is a sign of what your life would be like if you were to marry him. You would most likely have financial issues since he can't keep a job for long term. Poor work history is usually a poor reflection of ones character.

2. Does your boyfriend not manage money well? This is another indication that it would be a bad idea to marry this guy since he can't manage money very well. You may say that money isn't the important thing in the world, but it takes money to pay the mortgage or rent and keep the power turned on each month.

3. Does your boyfriend have poor credit and doesn't care about paying his bills? If he doesn't care about his credit then he most likely won't care about messing up your credit either. Unless he has a good reason for having bad credit such as severe medical issues, or once owned a company that went bankrupt then be concerned.

4. Does your boyfriend not own a car ? Most people are able to afford to own a car either new or a older one. Be concerned if your boyfriend doesn't own a car. If he has to walk everywhere then he is probably not very reliable. If your boyfriend says that he can't afford to buy a car or even a older car then be worried. He won't be able to provide you with basic living expenses that people need.

5. Does your boyfriend not have a drivers license or has a suspended drivers license? Be concerned if your boyfriend doesn't have a drivers a license or can't manage to keep one in good standing. It shows that he is not a very responsible person. He may tell you that it is suspended due to not paying his parking tickets, but if he can't manage to pay his tickets then be concerned. 6. Does your boyfriend have kids that he doesn't visit often? If he neglects to see his children from a previous relationship then be concerned. If he tells you that the mom won't let him see his children then ask why.
If he gives you an answer that seems fishy or if you feel that something doesn't quite add up then you need to investigate further.

7. Does your boyfriend not pay child support on a regular basis? This is a major sign. Be concerned if he doesn't care about taking care of his children. He may use every excuse for not paying child support or being late, but it shows that he not very responsible. It is a sign of the way he would be with you if you ever had kids with him. Be careful.

8. Does your boyfriend not care about his stuff or your stuff ? If he doesn't care about your stuff or his stuff then be concerned. He shows that he doesn't care about things and doesn't realize the value of stuff. If he doesn't take care of his stuff properly such as expensive things then it shows he is not very responsible.

9. Does your boyfriend have a past history of being violent or being abusive in any other way? If the answer is yes then you need to leave the relationship immediately and perhaps get a restraining order against him since he is dangerous to women. Be very concerned if he has any past records of domestic violence.

10. Does your boyfriend have a long criminal record? If he has been in and out of jail constantly then it isn't a good idea to be in a relationship with him. He is not very responsible and it isn't worth spending money on bail to get him out of jail almost all the time.

Red Flags Your Boyfriend Isn't the One.


Let me ask, Are you dating someone and wondering if he's the man for you? Are you not sure if he's husband quality? Here are some warning signs that might indicate he's not Mr. Right. These are purely my opinion, based on my
limited social work experience and relationships I've seen in my life. I believe that these are good indicators that your man is not for you.

Warning Sign #1: He doesn't treat his mother well.

Does he constantly complain about, badmouth, and have no respect for his mother? Does he argue with his mother frequently? Overall, does he not treat her well? That might be a good indication of how he'd treat you someday. If he doesn't respect his mother, that is a big red flag that he isn't the one for you. The same goes with how he treats his sister, grandmother, or other women in general.

The only situation i could think where this might be different, is if he had been abused or neglected by his mother. But even in that case, he should not be mistreating her, perhaps be estranged. If you are in that scenario, I recommend asking a counselor for advice.

Warning Sign #2: He doesn't have a steady job.

I may sound harsh, but if he's not working or in school full time, he's not marriage material. A good man should be able to support his family. Yes, its possible he could change. But you better make sure he's changed before you say "I do." What I mean, is he's had a poor work history in the past, he needs to have had a steady job for at least 18 months or so, before you even think about marrying him.

Warning Sign #3: He is possessive.

If he tells you what you can and can't do, wear, or what kind of friends you can have, it time to say buh-bye. That is a big red flag of abusive men. If he is trying to control you, he's not for you.

Warning Sign #4: He criticizes you.

If he says hurtful, negative things to you about you, then its time to call it quits and move on. You deserve better. It will only get worse, hon, if you stay in this relationship.

Warning Sign #5: He has ever hit, slapped, or punched you.Yep, that's a big red flag, sweetie. Is this the kind of guy you want to be the father of your children? Please don't make excuses for him, that behavior is not acceptable in any situation or scenario. It's time to move
on. If you are in this situation, I recommend you call the national domestic violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.

Warning Sign #6: He is in serious debt and not trying to work out of it.

Has he accumulated a large amount credit card debt or other bills? Does he admit he's made some mistakes and is trying to get out of it? If not, he's not for you. Do you really want to start off a marriage in that boat? This is not to say he can't have any debt (as its understandable to have student loans, car payments, medical bills, etc.), but if he's been frivolous with spending money and is not trying to change, that's a big sign he's Mr. Wrong.

Warning Sign #7: He doesn't share the same religious beliefs as you.

I'm just being honest. If you're not on the same page in the religion department, I don't believe he's a perfect match for you.

Warning Sign #8: He has lied to you.

A good man is an honest man. Liars don't make good husbands. That is just my personal opinion that I feel is a big red flag.

Warning Sign #9: You're not physically attracted to him.

I know this one is obvious! But I really felt I needed to include it, as there are many women who do marry someone they aren't physically attracted to and in love with. If you aren't "goo-goo-ga-ga" attracted to him, then please don't marry him. There are other fish in the sea.

Warning Sign #10: Your family/friends don't like him.

Okay, this is one where you need to use your best judgment. If your family and close friends have told you that they don't like him, by all means listen to them! If it's just one person, you might take that with a grain of salt, but if several people have told you, it's a big red flag! At the very least, please delay marriage for a long time if this is the case.

Warning Sign #11: He is going way too fast in the relationship.In college I had friends where their boyfriends told them they loved them just a few weeks after dating! And some we're talking marriage within a few weeks. And, you've guessed correctly, some of these
relationships didn't last. This is just my personal opinion, but marriage is something that should not be pushed and she be taken very seriously. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's not going to work out (as my grandparents were married for 50+ years and had a very short courtship), but I do consider this a warning sign.

Warning Sign #12:: He flirts with other woman.

No, it's not just you being jealous, it's a sign that this relationship isn't for you. If he flirts with your friends or other woman, he's not a good guy. If he denies it, that's an even bigger sign he's not for you. You need to marry someone who will be dedicated to you 100%.

Warning Sign #13: He uses drugs / is an alcoholic.

I feel that good marriages and drugs / alcohol abuse don't mix. If he uses drugs or you feel he is an alcoholic it's time to let him go. This is not to say that someone with problems in the past could be a good husband - as someone who messed up, got treatment, and stayed substance free for years might have potential. But if it's a problem now, it's time to say goodbye for now.

Warning Sign #14: For single mothers - your kids don't like him.

I'm just being brutally honest, but you need to put your children first. If your children have expressed that they do not like him, and aren't comfortable with your relationship, then that is a big warning sign it will not work out. If you really, truly believe he is the one for you, then you should wait until the kids are grown to get married.

Warning Sign #15: He has a problem with pornography.

This is a tough one because you might not even know about it. But, if you have ever caught him with pornography or found it on his computer, that's a sign this guy isn't for you. If he does admit he has a problem and is seeking treatment, speak with a counselor about continuing the relationship.

Warning Sign #16: He is constantly negative and bitter about life in general.

If he complains frequently about his job, his family, your mother, random people at the grocery store, etc., then please think twice about this relationship. Do you really want to spend your life with a grumpy and grouchy man? It will only get worse.

Warning Sign #17: He has children from past relationships but doesn't have much contact with them.

This one's pretty self-explanatory. If he doesn't pay child support, doesn't act as a father to his children, he's definitely not that man for you.

Warning Sign #18: He has any kind of criminal history that involves domestic violence or abuse.This one's obvious, but if he has ever had a restraining order against him, ever been arrested violent behavior, he's not Mr. Right. If he has other criminal history, I would
think twice (but not necessarily immediately call it quits) about him. You might speak with a counselor on this one. People do change.

Warning Sign #19: He doesn't meet all of the qualities you've dreamed for in a husband.

This is another challenging one. You don't want to picky and unreasonable, but at the same time you need to stick to your qualifications in a husband. For example, if you always though you'd marry someone who would support you in being a stay-at-home-mom someday, but he doesn't like the idea, then he's probably Mr. Wrong. If you've always wanted 3 kids and he's not sure he wants kids at all, he is definitely not Mr. Right for you. (He could be Mr. Right for someone else that wants a child free life.) You can settle when picking out your next car, but please don't settle for your husband.

Warning Sign #20: You are having some doubts.

If you are having an inkling of a feeling that he's not for you, by all means, listen to your intuition. Do not rush into marriage. I highly recommend speaking with a counselor to help you sort through your feelings.

These are just twenty warning signs that you are at risk of divorce, abuse, or just being unhappy. If your boyfriend fits any of these warning signs, please consult a counselor or minister. If you cannot afford counseling, you might try calling 211 for referrals - read this article for details.

Best of luck as you make decisions for your future.

How to know when you are Dating the RIGHT person.

How do you know if you are dating the right person for you? This is a question that lingers within the minds of millions. Time eventually shows us if we have the made the correct choice, but there are certain signs that will assure you that you are dating someone of significance.

Here are several ways of finding out if you are dating the right person for you:

They Listen To You
We all have our ups and downs throughout our life. It is nice when we can have someone to turn to. Someone who is willing to openly embrace us and allow us to vent and share our frustrations.

It is a good when your significant other encourages you to open up and talk with them about anything. This means they are concerned about your well being. This also means they are unselfish.

They Pamper You

Pampering is an act of spoiling someone. It could be an gift that is expensive or inexpensive. Pampering also includes acts of surprise such as walking home to a surprised meal that is on the dinner table awaiting you.

Pampering is a demonstration of affection that is meant to make someone feel good. Being pampered means that you are dating someone who cares about your tremendously.

They Enrich Your Life

It is a wonderful experience to be involved with someone that stretches our imagination and stimulates our desires. A good mate will always look out for your best interests in all departments. This includes socially, financially, emotionally, and spiritually.

You Can Be Yourself

It is important that we relax and just be ourselves! You are dating the wrong person if you cannot be yourself around him or her. The right person accepts you unconditionally and encourages you to be yourself!

You should never date someone that wants you to compromise who you are. Hold on to the person that loves you unconditionally and wants you to show the real you!

They Make Sacrifices For You

A true soul mate will make tremendous sacrifices for you. They understand that they are not alone in the relationship. They will go out of their way just to keep you happy.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

What is the Best Way to Talk About Problems in a relationship?


When problems arise in a relationship, couples are often told they need to "communicate" - or talk to each other. In many cases, however, couples do not know how to talk about problems and communication only makes the situation worse. For the most part, there are two basic ways talking about problems: Direct Accusation versus Problem Identification (described below).

Unfortunately, most couples use Direct Accusation rather than Problem Identification when trying to resolve conflict. The idea that Problem Identification is a better way of solving problems draws upon Gibb's work on defensive communication and Cupach and Canary's work on conflict management. Cupach and Canary's book is a great resource for dealing with conflict management .

Direct Accusation – Focus on Partner’s Behavior When upset or angry, many people confront their spouses by focusing on their partner’s behavior. These accusations can be made directly “I am upset because you…” or even in the form of a question “ why did you…?” The motivation behind making such accusations is typically to change a spouse’s or partner’s behavior. People believe that if they get upset and point out their partner’s mistakes, things will change. This rarely works. If you accuse a partner of wrongdoing, partners typically: get defensive – fight back or withdraw (stop listening) offer an (insincere) apology designed to stop your attack hide and conceal similar behavior in the future The long term outcome of directly confronting a partner is: increased distance less understanding and greater dissatisfaction the lack of a genuine resolution increased future conflict A more effective approach involves focusing on one’s feelings, not a partner’s behavior.

Problem Identification – Focus on One’s Feelings A better way to resolve relationship problems involves focusing on one’s feelings, rather than blaming a partner for what happened ( even if, your partner deserves blame). It is easier for a partner or spouse to hear what you have to say when you focus on your own feelings and not dwell on his or her mistakes. For example, if your spouse has a habit of coming home late – rather than make a direct accusation – “I hate when you're so late – why do you do that?” – it helps if you can focus on your feelings instead “I am feeling sad and a little frustrated. I sometimes feel lonely when you are not home.”

When trying to discuss a problem - it's important not to assign blame. Even saying something as simple as "It makes me feel uncomfortable..." can come across as an accusation - leading to a defensive response. Phrasing a concern as "I feel..." rather than "It makes..." is a more effective way of solving problems.

Your motivation for dealing with problems this way should be to get your partner to hear what you have to say. If you can get your partner to understand your point of view, you are much more likely to create a meaningful and lasting resolution. By focusing on your feelings instead of your spouse’s behavior, partners are more likely to: listen to what you have to say empathize with your position discuss the problem in a constructive manner And there are many benefits of approaching relationship problems with this way: increased closeness, satisfaction and understanding greater potential for resolution and change less future conflict Simply put, directly confronting a partner often leads to greater resistance, more conflict and deception. Of course, it is easier to get angry and make accusations, but doing so rarely leads positive, long term outcomes.

The Friend to girlfriend secrets.


What if you had the power to take any girl of your choice, I guess I won't right then to ask what would you do with it? My guess is, you will spell doom for the women folk, or perhaps just play good with that chance at freedom; the unfathomed synergy to getting what you want, the way you want it. Surely, I know how it feels. Especially when you come face to face with a very hard position, whereby, the girl you so desire to date (have a relationship with) has placed the 'let's just be friends' card before you. As it may be, the both of you probably have something great going on; you absolutely love hanging out, being together with her, beyond a shadow of a doubt...but, she just does not consider taking that leap with you. You get stuck in the mud.      
Sometimes, you may even discover she feels the same way too...that is to say, she likes you, but ONLY as a friend. You find this as a very terrible habit to live with. A dagger to your heart. But then, you seemed cool about it, but beneath that external façade, deep within you, you know you want something ‘much more’ than that. Not just to be friends, but lovers!      
In truth, you are convinced that your heart longs to get past the “ friends” stage and be that guy she “falls for” more than anything else, and you're probably shaking your head, confused as hell and feeling terribly unsure on what to do to progress to the ‘next level’ with her. This feeling can even drive you nuts, making you do crazy stuffs that makes people wonder if you're sick or something. You Feel Like You're About To EXPLODE.  You're falling madly for her… you just know she's "the one" . She is the one who causes your palms to sweat at the slightest thoughts of her, your heart to beat so fast like it's going to pop out of your chest. And as your affection for her grows stronger by the day, so does your feelings of insecurity and rife, perhaps because you just can not know for sure whether or not she felt the same way, and even if she does, you don't know how to make her fall for you. This is very hard, and indeed painful.

The Experience of "Being In Love" Is Not The Same For Everyone.


Not everyone experiences love in exactly the same manner. Research has shown that love comes in several different forms or styles. For the most part, people experience love as a blend of two or three of the styles listed below. Essentially, people have different notions of what it means to "be in love."

Styles of Love:

Eros – some people experience love with a lot of passion, intimacy and intensity. Love based on Eros has a strong sexual and emotional component. People who experience love this way want to be emotionally and physically close to their romantic partners and they tend to idealize love. Such love is marked by passion as well as compassion (kindness and consideration). Eros is best viewed as romantic, passionate love - the type of love that creates excitement at the beginning of a new relationship.

Ludus – some people experience love as a game to be played with other people’s emotions. The goal or desire is to gain control over a partner through manipulation. People who experience love as Ludus like to have multiple love interests where they are in complete control. Lying, cheating and deception are common for people who experience love as Ludus – it’s all part of the game. For people who experience love as Ludus, it is satisfying to outwit a partner and exploit his or her weak spots.

Storge – some people experience love as a gradual and slow process. When love is based on Storge, getting to know someone comes before having intense feelings for that person. Love based on Storge takes time, it requires genuine liking and understanding of a partner, and it develops slowly over time. Love based on Storge is often compared to the love that one has for a friend. In fact, people who experience love as Storge often fall in love with their friends.
Agape – some people experience love as caregiving. Love is the overwhelming desire to want to take care of a partner - a parental or nurturing type of love. Love based on Agape is attentive, caring, compassionate and kind - a more altruistic or selfless type of love.

Mania – some people experience love as being out of control. Love is an overwhelming experience; it turns one’s life upside down and it results in a complete loss of one’s identity. Love based on Mania is crazy, impulsive and needy. People who experience love as Mania fall in love quickly, but their love tends to consume them. Love experienced as Mania also tends to burnout before it gets the chance to mature. Such love is often marked by extreme delusions, feelings of being out of control, rash decisions, and vulnerability. People who experience love as Mania are easily taken advantage of by people who experience love as Ludus.

Pragma – some people take a practical approach to love. Love is not crazy, intense, or out of control. Love is based on common sense and reason. People who experience love as Pragma tend to pick a suitable mate the way most other people make serious life decisions: picking a partner is based on careful consideration and reason. Practical concerns underlie this type of love.

The love styles listed above have also been linked to one’s style of attachment. Eros and Agape are linked to Secure Attachment Mania is linked to Anxious Attachment Ludus is linked to Dismissing Attachment Overall, when thinking about love and relationships, sometimes it helps to keep in mind that love does not always mean the same thing to everyone.

Lies and deceptions in a relationship.


When it comes to love and marriage, people expect a spouse to be completely honest. But, at the same time, everyone values their sense of freedom and privacy. So while romantic partners typically want to please each other, at other times, couples experience competing goals which can make telling the truth more difficult. As it stands, our close relationships involve a lot of truth telling as well as some dishonesty. If love was straightforward and unchanging, that would be easy to acknowledge. But, when you take a close look at the nature of love and romance, one thing becomes clear: Love creates both happiness and heartache, opportunities and constraints, joy and sorrow. For the most part, spouses are considerate, honest and kind. But at the same time, husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends, betray those they love.

Unfortunately, deception comes in handy when people want to limit their partner's choices, avoid conflict or punishment, or when people want to influence their partner's behavior. And while it is not uncommon for people to lie and cheat, it is difficult to accept that one's own husband or wife might be doing so. Who hasn't caught a boyfriend or girlfriend lying only to have him or her deny it - "I would never lie to you." Not only can our close relationships sometimes cause heartache and anxiety, but it's also difficult to discuss lying and cheating out in the open.

When you mention the possibility that love and betrayal might go hand-in-hand, people tend to get angry or they become defensive. We know how disheartening it is to deal with these issues. But, disheartening or not, deception and infidelity are important to understand. As such, this website provides an opportunity to explore this fundamental, but rarely discussed aspect of our intimate relationships:

Even in the best of circumstances, it can be difficult to know what to believe. Many people struggle with their suspicions and concerns. For example, people often wonder... Is my boyfriend just being flirtatious or could he be tempted to cheat? When I ask my wife a question, why doesn't she look me in the eye? How come my girlfriend doesn't answer her phone? Why is my partner working so late? What's causing my boyfriend be so distant lately? Is there an innocent explanation for everything that happens? Or could you simply be reading too much into what's going on? Unfortunately, the truth is not always easy to discern.

And actually having to investigate a spouse can quickly turn into a never-ending challenge. More often than not, this happens because a cheating spouse will rarely admit the truth even when confronted with evidence of his or her guilt. Sadly enough, some level of suspicion might actually be warranted from time to time. Research indicates that if you want to look for deception in your own life, the best place to start is close to home.

Lovers often lie about their true feelings for each other, the feelings they have for others, their level of commitment, their whereabouts.. . And people tend to tell their most serious and consequential lies to those they love. At one extreme, some husbands and wives never plan on being faithful. While millions of other husbands and wives, who never intended to commit infidelity, nevertheless, still end up doing so ( calculate how closely your spouse fits the profile of someone who is likely to cheat - infidelity quiz or take our cheating spouse survey ). And to make matters more complicated, detecting deception, or infidelity, is never as easy as people think. Not only can it be difficult to investigate a spouse, but doing so also raises a host of relational, ethical, and legal concerns - issues which are important to consider before starting to monitor a spouse.  

In any case, most of the lies lovers tell go undetected because people downplay the risks that a partner would lie and most people over estimate their ability to spot their partner's lies. For the most part, the strategy of "assuming the best" works fairly well, until the day comes when it does not, and with little warning or preparation we have to confront the reality that our close relationships are not exactly what they appear to be. Eventually, almost everyone will catch a romantic partner in a lie. Often, it amounts to uncovering nothing more than catching a spouse telling a small, white lie. And of course, sometimes it can involve something much more serious.

When deception is uncovered, even finding out the truth about a small, white lie can lead to problems such as increased suspicion and doubt. If your spouse is willing to bend the truth about something trivial, what about something that really matters? And when something much more serious is uncovered, people have a difficult time coping with what they have learned and dealing with the fact that someone close to them has betrayed their trust.

A Look at the Basic Dynamics in a Relationship.


To be honest, relationships can be very confusing. Indeed. That is why, when problems emerge, people often get so caught up and focus on the specifics at hand that they fail to realize the larger issues at play. And this failure to understand the dynamics underlying our relationships often makes it more difficult for people to resolve conflict and move beyond their current problems. Relationships involved three basic dynamics. These dynamics are always present and they constantly influence our behavior.

By focusing on these larger issues, rather than the specific problem at hand, it is typically easier to see what is going on. And often it is easier resolve a specific problem when the larger, underlying issue is addressed. Power – all relationships involve issues of power and control. Typically, people like to influence their partner’s behavior while at the same time they do not like being unduly controlled or influenced by a partner. In other words, people would like to be able to control what a partner does, but they do not like to be told what to do.

When you look very closely, most conflict often has little to do with the actual issue being discussed, but more often than not, it has to do with a fight over power and control. It’s a fight over who is in charge. We have watched couples time-and-time again, fight and argue over specific issues (e.g., household tasks, weekend plans, type of toothpaste to buy, etc.) rather than address the real problem - a struggle for control. Affect – all relationships involve issues of liking and disliking.

When communicating with another person, we constantly signal how we feel about the person we are talking to. And we convey this type of information through our nonverbal behavior – our posture, facial expressions, touch, eye contact, use of space, and so on. In short, we constantly signal warmth, acceptance, coldness, indifference, hostility, etc.

Again, most problems in relationships are related to how we feel about each other, and not necessarily the problem at hand. For instance, is a fight over where to eat dinner really a fight about food, or does it involve a larger issue? Such a fight is often a means of saying: “I am upset with you, or I don’t really like you right now. ” When problems are viewed in terms of affect (do we like or dislike each other?), it is usually easier to see what the is really going on. Respect –all relationships involve issues of respect.

People either demonstrate respect or disrespect for another person, their ideas, values, and differences... For instance, when couples argue about spending time with the relatives, is the conflict really about this issue, or does it involve something more fundamental: People not feeling like their opinions and thoughts are being listened to. Am I being dismissed, or does my opinion matter at all? Main Point Taken together, many couples fight about specific issues including money, sex, other people, how to raise children, how to spend their free time... but, more often than not the real issue involves one or more of the following: power, affect, and respect.

When fighting, sometimes it helps to realize what the real issue might be and address it directly in a non-confrontational manner ( see, talk about problems ). With this in mind, most arguments can be summed up by the following sentence: “I am not feeling loved, respected, or like I have much say and control.”